Aurora Magazine 2020

Aurora

Untitled Anwyn Payonk

My mother and I had a complicated relationship, as so many mothers and daughters do. “I love you”was said through screaming matches and free time was used to sit in silent bitterness. She paid attention to me, and this was her way of showing love. Neither she nor I were ever good at articulating our thoughts or ideas. I convinced my friends to go see a new movie. It was called Lady Bird. It looked right up my alley seeing that it was a coming- of-age film about a quirky, independent teenager. I’ve been known among my friends for taking them to movies they’d usually not see, so it wasn’t hard to convince them to go. I made them feel “cultured.” It was raining so I put on my rainboots and jacket. I got to the door and ran to my friend’s car parked in the front. The movie centers around a teenage girl, but the heart of the film is the relationship between a mother and daughter. The unique bond they have. There are movies you watch that can really touch you. The characters you resonate with and the storyline that seems to paint a portrait of your life. As if the director looked inside your brain and scooped out every unspoken thought and feeling. Someone who can finally articulate it. When the movie ended my friend looked over and proclaimed, “That reminded me so much of you!”On the drive home they’re all talking about the movie. I try to be a part of the conversation but I’m buried in my thoughts already analyzing every scene of the movie. This is what I often do but this movie felt different. There’s a line in the movie where a character says, “Don’t you think maybe they are the same thing? Love and attention?” I get back to my dorm room and lay on my bed. I pick up my phone and dial my mother’s number. I want to tell her thank you. I want to articulate all of the thank you’s I couldn’t get out before. The thank you for paying attention. The thank you for being there. The thank you for making me who I am today. I wait for her to answer the phone by trying to think of a more poetic way to say that. She answers the phone and says, “Hello?” I can’t get the words out, so instead I tell her, “It rained today so I used my new rain boots.”

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